Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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