Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
someone owes me an orgasm
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
