I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
