Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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