Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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