I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
