So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
