I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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