Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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