She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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