you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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