i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
3pm strippers are depressing
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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