So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
