Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
