yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
