My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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