I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
