so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
