Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
