She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
