1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
