I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
