dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
being pregnant is like rehab
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Drunk is not a location!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
