i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
