he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You pole danced in your parka.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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