My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
