She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
