We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
