I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
