Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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