I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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