It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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