And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
