mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
