I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
