your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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