my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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