Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
