I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
