New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
