Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you win again, gameday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
