My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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