She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
