Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
