Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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