I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
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