i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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