toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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