Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
