I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
