Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
