I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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