I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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