I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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