my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
