You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
