You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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