i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
