Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
