I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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