I think I won the penis lottery.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
