Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
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