I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
